Thursday, October 23, 2008

"Hello! My Name is Go The F*$% Away

We recently purchased a Wii Fit which I have been playing around with (I like my Wii Fit scale, it's much nicer than other scales. =) ) so I haven't been to the gym very often. Last night I recharged my iPod and finagled with my playlists, so I was inspired to hit the gym for a change of pace.

As I finished the weights portion of my workout, I headed to the rowing machines. About 3 minutes into my exercise, I see the woman who "works" the front desk appear next to me. Her face is right in my personal space. Which I hate anyway. I take out my earphone and smile waiting for her to tell me what she wants.

Exercise Lady: "Are you locking out your knees?!" (her tone is incredulous as if she's saying "Are you trying to smuggle dumbells out in your bra!! *GASP*)

At first I don't understand her. Sometimes the attendants have to come and find the fitness crazed parents of children who have been left in the daycare too long. I'm thinking she's mistaken me for someone else and am trying to figure out who would name their kid "Lock Outyernees".

It dawns on me what she's actually saying and I tell her "No" in a sort of "WTF are you talking about crazy ass?" tone.

"Hmmmmm, well, because it looks like you're locking your knees." replies Exercise Lady in an extremely condescending "You are such a flipping idiot" type tone.


I'll pause here to say that it takes alot for me to get to the gym. I don't like working out in front of people because I have long legs and use them to be extraordinarily uncoordinated in almost everything I do. I don't know how to use many of the machines until I have read all of the stick figure instructions on the sides and sometimes, I have to read them a few times before it clicks.

What I DO know how to do is row. I was a competitive rower for 3 years. And a good one I might add. Got the medals to prove it and everything =P. Rowing is like riding a bike to me. Once I learned it (by learned, I mean had every second of my stroke analyzed to death thousands of times at daily practices for 3 years), I always remembered it.

Now I have this woman very much in my personal space, yelling over the machines as to whether I'm apparently commiting the cardinal sin of exercise equipment, in a VERY crowded gym.

"Well, I'm not" I tell her.

I can see the two housewives on the warm up mats less than 10 feet hanging on every word of this exchange and for some reason I'm mortified.

She goes away and I try to get back to the task at hand. But I can't. I'm so angry and embarrassed for being called out when I'm actually using a piece of equipment properly that I can't even see straight. That's probably because I started to cry like an absolute ninny.

So I throw the bar back into the start position, get my feet out and go over to the desk to get my keys- where she is standing. I have MILLION things that I would have liked to say to her swirling in my head, but I can barely open my mouth because I *that* pissed. As I grab my keys and storm out, she has the audacity to call after me "Have a nice day."

"Yeah, not now that you've ruined it." I toss back at her like I'm five. I'm already almost all the way out the door, so she probably didn't even hear me and even if she did, she probably wouldn't have cared. I go to get a shower and have a meltdown.

Here's the thing:

First-The people who work the desk are not necessarily "fitness instructors". Most of the time, they are simply members who got a job there so their monthly fee would be less. I'm not sure if she was one of those or someone actually qualified to work there, but either way. I don't think they cover much on rowers in PE 101. As a matter of fact, I know they don't because I have seen them do their "tour" and show people "how to use the rower" and it's quite possibly the most ignorant thing I've ever seen. Ok, well, not *ever* seen, but it's pretty fricking stupid. In an actual boat, they'd be going nowhere fast.

Second- Did I forget to take off my sign that said please bother the shit out of me while I'm trying to work out? Personally, I'd be more concerned about the mid-life crisisers over in the freeweights trying to keep up with the 20-something muscle monkeys. But they are men, I'm *sure* they know what they are doing.


So I think I'm just going to buy a pack of those "Hello, my name is:______________" stickers and put one on my back every time I go to the gym that says

"Hello, my name is Leave Me the Hell Alone" or "Don't Bother Me" or "Beware of Dog" or "Caution: Overly Emotional and Cranky". Maybe I'll change it up. Surely they will take the hint.