Wednesday, April 28, 2010

6 Months

My beautiful daughter is 6 months old today. So much has happened since the day she came into my life. So many times I've thought- I need to write this down or- I need a recorder in my pocket to help me remember this later to blog about it. But I haven't.

I have manged to to keep my head above water though. The past 6 months have brought some of the most heart-wrenching moments I've experienced in my life. Some good, some bad.

The day my daughter was born was incredible. I was so excited to meet my sweet angel. I was so scared to go through a natural delivery again. I was sad that the boys wouldn't get to meet their sister in the hospital because of the ridiculous Swine Flu. I was happy that our family would finally be complete.

I remember once the hard part and the yelling and the pain was over, feeling so amazed by my sweet princess. I put my cheek on her little head the minute she was born- I still remember how warm and soft she felt. It felt like heaven. I also felt relief. Finally, this part of my life was over, I had everything I ever wanted.

In early December I discovered my husband having an affair and all the perfection I thought I had came tumbling down around me. I've never been so destroyed. So lost. So afraid. This was not supposed to happen to me. This happened to other people. People who didn't have the perfection that I thought I had.

I now know that my baby girl was sent to me to be my little ray of hope when I was in my darkest hours. All three of my children reminded me what commitment, hope and love truly meant. One hug from them was better than all the anti-depressants in the world. My amazing friends and family encouraged me when I felt confused, weak and alone.

In some ways, I felt like the last 10 years of my life had been wiped away. It all meant nothing now and I had to start over. The problem was, do I start over alone, or with my husband. In the end, I chose to err on the side of forgiveness. I owed it to my children and most of all to myself to try to make things work. If it didn't work, at least I could say I tried.

I'm now 4 months out from that devastating day of discovery. It has been a journey filled with exceptionally deep valleys, blind corners, seemingly never-ending plateaus of apathy and on occasion, a small peak or two.

In 6 months, so much has changed for me. The way I look at each day, myself, my relationships is no longer a fixed thought process. It's fluid, it changes with every nuance. It's like learning to speak all over again. While I struggle to have everything remain as normal as possible for my children, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf to make things better for our family- and myself.